


All Hands on Dex

by bigspicysenpai



Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Alcohol, Canon Compliant, Derek "Nursey" Nurse is Unchill, Halloween Costumes, Jealous!Nursey, M/M, Out'n'Proud!Dex, POV Derek "Nursey" Nurse, Pure Crack, angst but it is ever so light, canon-typical alcohol use
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-26
Updated: 2019-03-26
Packaged: 2019-12-18 12:04:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,208
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18249470
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bigspicysenpai/pseuds/bigspicysenpai
Summary: At Haus'o'ween 2017, the recently out and proud William Poindexter is sporting a costume that Nursey can't take his eyes off of. He totally supports his D-man getting some, but does he have to look like *that* while he does it? A lot of dumb jokes and literary references to follow.





	All Hands on Dex

**Author's Note:**

> This is purely self indulgent crack, I had to commit it to paper to get it out of my head. Nothing too wild here, just boys being dumb and not knowing how to communicate their feelings. Enjoy! 
> 
> Thanks to kirani and GI Jojo for beta and workshopping!

Haus’o’ween had been about an hour into the festivities when Dex burst out of the basement clamoring for his “mateys” to bring him the “Tub Grog”. Then immediately began trying to catch up to the rest of the party in inebriation. Derek’s jaw was on the floor. 

 

Derek’s issue was not the entrance itself, but rather Dex’s costume. Ford had let everyone in the Haus (and Haus 2.0) have free reign of the costumes the theater department was going to be getting rid of, so this year’s costumes were a much higher production value than ever before. 

 

Dex, apparently, had found an ornate pirate captain outfit, complete with a plumed hat. And leather pants. And the massive red velvet jacket, with which he had elected not to wear an undershirt. Opting instead for a dramatic spread of body glitter over his chest and abs. Derek was, as Holster would say, gobsmacked. 

 

Dex had come out to the team during the aftermath of the LAX party incident earlier in the semester. He was trying really hard to be a role model for the younger guys in the weeks since. Confidence in his sexuality flowed off of him every time it came up. It seemed to be working because Whiskey was starting to come around the Haus more often. Derek, for his part, never really tried to cover up that he was wheeling the whole gender spectrum, but he was making more of a point to introduce his ‘dates’ to teammates when they stayed together for more than an evening. 

 

Since coming out, Dex’s party persona had done a complete 180. He flirted and got handsy with guys what seemed like left and right. Derek was maybe a little envious of Dex’s newfound confidence. However, the bravado was not meshing with his atrocious Maine-Pirate accent.

 

“Paging Doctor Acula…  Nur—seeeey! Nurse!”

 

Derek finally registered Lardo trying to get his attention over the din. 

 

“Lards! How’s it hanging?”

 

“I’m doing great. Embarrassing as many clowns at pong as I can. You, on the other hand, seem to be quite... parched,” She said, raising her eyebrows.

 

“Nope, I’m chill. Got my drink right here.”

 

“I meant you’re getting drool on your goth bib.” 

 

“It’s not a bib! It’s a cravat!” He protested, annoyed that he was going to have to explain his costume for the millionth time tonight.

 

“But you don’t deny you were drooling over Captain Dexbeard over there.” Lardo countered.

 

“I think it’s officially time to end Nursey patrol and start Dex patrol, also I didn’t drool.”

 

“Right, just keeping an eye on him. On those sparkly gilded pecs.” Derek took a swig from his cup of tub juice. Tonight’s batch was sickeningly sweet, perfectly foul, but straight to the point. It was alcohol alright.  

 

“Jesus, did Shitty dump a whole bag of Jolly Ranchers in this?” Derek asked, trying to veer her attention away from his very obvious gawking. 

 

“Just the green ones, bro. For real though, go tell the good Captain you wanna suck his blood or his face or whatever.”

 

“Ok, so first, your _ Lardlyship _ , I’m Lord Byron, not a vampire. Second, we finally got back to being mostly friendly since he moved downstairs. Third, he just went out back, so I’m gonna make sure he doesn’t start a drunken bonfire.” Derek turned and started out of the room.

 

“Go tell Mister Bennet you wanna plunder his chest already!” Lardo called after him as he fled the living room. 

 

_x_

 

Derek swung by the kitchen to top off his drink and shove a fistful of candy into his pocket. He found Dex outside leaning into some random dude’s space. He decided to jump in on cornhole so he could be in the area, but feel slightly less creepy about watching Dex and this guy. 

 

After Derek and Tango finished getting their asses kicked by Ransom and Holster, a heavy hand clapped onto Derek’s shoulder. He startled a bit at that.

 

“Thought you were supposed to be a good shot Nurse,” Dex’s grip felt warm, even through Derek’s clothes. 

 

“There’s a reason I don’t have tub juice before a hockey game Cap’n,” Derek chirped back, turning to face Will.

 

Dex’s face and neck were flushed from the alcohol. Derek suspected it was red under the glitter too. “What happened to the guy you were chatting up?” 

 

“Wasn’t up fer walkin’ the plank today methinks.” Derek groaned at the dumb joke. 

 

“Dude. Give the Portland Pirate a rest. The accent is mad awful.”

 

“What, Nurse, it’s part of the character. I’m surprised  _ you’re  _ not monologuing right now.” 

 

“Brooklyn Byron hasn’t had enough tub juice for a spoken word piece just yet.” 

 

“Shame, he wasn’t feeling it. Guys with curly hair always hoist me mainsail, if you know what I mean.” Derek nearly choked on his drink.

 

“Try’n find me before you do the poetry reading, yeah? Wouldn’t wanna miss it.” Dex clapped his hands onto Derek’s shoulders again, both shoulders this time. Then sauntered back towards the Haus.

 

“What the fuuuuuck” Derek felt his cheeks were still warm as he flustered from Dex’s comment.  He resolved to slow down on the tub juice so as not to say anything stupid. 

  
  


_X_

 

When next he encounters Dex,  he’s tangled up with  _ another _ guy in the upstairs hall. He tried to slip into the bathroom without disturbing, but Derek’s pant leg gets caught on something he didn’t see. Then Derek was at Dex’s feet. 

 

“Can’t even make it to the head proper Nursey?” Dex chirped at him, helping him stand. 

 

“I’m chill Dex, no injuries this time.” 

 

“Jolly good,” Came Dex’s reply.

 

“I’m going to make Shitty add a bylaw to let me fine you for this.”

 

“Yeah, well I was just telling Liam here how fun this body glitter is. Have you tried this stuff? I love it. Look how it makes my muscles pop!” Dex peeled back a side of the jacket revealing more of his pec, and the sheer volume of glitter he had smeared all over the place. 

 

“Wow,” he mused, considering the way it followed the contours of Dex’s body in a V.  “That’s probably gonna take like, hella time to wash off.” Derek was staring again. He’d seen Dex’s body so many times before. Why was he just now getting an appreciation for it?  

 

Derek had always known half the fuel for his jabs at Dex were him trying to get attention. He’d liked Dex from the start, but Derek hadn’t grown out of pigtail pulling as a flirting tactic. Now, it was actually within reach.  Derek started extending his hand to touch Dex’s chest.

 

“Didn’t you have to go to the bathroom?” Dex’s— potential hookup? Said, reminding them of his presence. Dex turned back, to him, side still exposed. 

 

“Oh yeah, Liam! Wanna get another drink?” Dex slurred out. 

 

“Not really,” The guy slid past Derek, speaking over the music, “My name is Luke, by the way.” 

 

“Rookie mistake, Captain Firebeard, always make sure you’ve got the name right first.” Dex slid down to the ground and slumped against Nursey’s door.

 

“No luck fer  _ Cap’n _ Firecrotch tonight.” Dex sighed, running a hand lazily across his glittery torso.

 

“Haha, well, you seem supes trashed anyway. You should probably chill for awhile. Have a sucker.” Derek procured one of the candies from his pocket and pushed it into Dex’s palm.  “I’m gonna use the bathroom, you wait here and we can go back down together.” 

 

Derek shut the back door behind him and let out a sigh of relief. He chided himself for almost groping at Dex’s chest, Derek wasn’t  _ that _ drunk. Dex, was very drunk, and needed someone responsible looking out for him. Someone that wasn’t taking advantage.  _ Fuck _ , he actually like-liked Dex. Derek splashed water on his face and re-applied cologne. He finished up in the bathroom and when he opened the door, Dex fell into the room. 

 

“Dude!” 

 

“Sorry  _ Nurshey _ ,” Dex garbled from the floor. “I got  _ impashent _ with the sucker.”  Dex held up the candy, still in the wrapper. “I couldn’ open it.” 

 

“I got it for you, Dexy.” Derek unwrapped the candy and popped it into Dex’s mouth.  “ I got somethin’ else for you too.” Dex sat up, eyebrows inquisitive.

 

“ _ Whush _ that?” 

 

“Your good buddy Byron is gonna wingman you bro.” 

 

“Who?” 

 

Nursey let out another groan.

 

“ _ I’m _ gonna help you find your ‘First Mate’ Cap,” Derek lent Dex his hand, pulling him up off the ground. “Operation ‘Cyrano de Bro-gerac’ is a go.” Dex looked back at him with a hazy expression.

 

“What?” 

 

Derek facepalmed. 

 

“I’m getting you some booty tonight Dex. I know they don’t focus on literature on the high seas, but could you at least get  _ one _ of my jokes?”

 

“Booty’s right here,  _ me hearty _ .” Dex pulled up the back of the coat to show off the seat of the leather pants.  Derek’s breath hitched. It was a compelling sight. How could he look away? Hockey ass in skintight leather? Resisting temptation to put a hand on it, Derek laughed off the awkwardness again. 

 

“Christ dude, it is definitely time for you to grab a water– or three.” Dex lowered the jacket and pouted. 

 

“You’re no fun anymore.” Dex’s defeated expression felt like the twist of a knife. Derek pasted on a smile anyway.

 

“Ouch dude, you totally wounded me. I’m like bleeding all over the place.” He put his hand on Dex’s back. “C’mon Glitterbeard, let’s get you back in there.” 

 

Dex took the lollipop out of his mouth and pointed it menacingly at Derek. “ _ Captain _ Glitterbeard to you,  _ lubber _ .” Derek noticed Dex’s lips were stained blue-green. Probably the tub juice. Derek jerked his gaze up from Dex’s mouth to his eyes. He raised his free hand in mock-surrender.

 

“Whatever you say man,” Derek gently nudged Dex back downstairs. Hopefully they would both sober up a little and this would stop being weird. 

 

_X_

 

Derek was leaning on the counter tearing through another of Bitty’s Haus’o’ween-themed sugar cookies. Dex was just outside, cozied up on the  _ new _ green couch with a guy Derek introduced him to. Some guy from his mixed-media class. They’re kissing. A hand touches Derek’s waist.

 

“Glower a little harder for the people in the back!” Lardo shouts at him over the music. Derek twists to direct his glare at her.

 

“I am not  _ glowering!” _ He countered.

 

“I’m just saying that if you had psychic powers, that guy’s head would have exploded by now.”

 

“Lards, I just want him to feel safe around me.”

 

“Then tell him how you feel, dweeb.”

 

“I just–— We just got over this feud we had from living in the same room. How do I know it won’t just start over?”

 

“You don’t.” She replied sagely. 

 

“What if we go right back to fighting? What if he or I get hurt from it?” 

 

“Don’t know if you don’t try, what if it does work out?” 

 

“Just full of helpful advice today, huh Lardo?” 

 

“Some old Canadian said something about missing shots you don’t take once. I hear that works for people.” 

 

“Alumni shouldn’t get immunity from fines.” Derek replied, starting towards the couch.

 

“Get it, Lestat!” she hollered after him. He hoped she could sense how hard he was rolling his eyes. Derek finished his drink and set it on the end table, then immediately tumbled over the arm of the couch in one of his patented ‘Derek Nurse clumsy moments’. 

 

“Oh, shit!” he yelled, as he realized he was falling right on top of Dex. 

 

“What the hell?” was Dex’s reply, he and mixed-media-guy stood as one of their drinks got spilled on the couch. 

 

“The new couch is christened!” echoed through the hall. Ransom and Holster pushed through the crowd to survey the damage. 

 

“That’s a fine!” Bitty chimed in over the crowd. 

 

“Hey listen,” Derek started, looking up at Dex and mixed-media-guy. “I had something important I wanted to talk to Dex about. You cool if I borrow him?”

 

“Well seeing as how my costume is now soaked in candy-laced acid? I should probably get going, Nurse.” Mixed-media-guy said. 

 

“Oh, bye.” Dex waved, nonchalant. Mixed-media-guy looked vaguely annoyed as he stormed out of the Haus. “So whatcha wanna talk about,  _ me beauty _ ?” Derek tensed. Getting called beauty, by  _ him _ was– a lot. People were still staring because of the spill. 

 

“Can we go to your room? Or mine?” 

 

“Only if  _ ye _ say it right!” Derek slapped his hand to his face again. He was going to have a handprint there at this rate. 

 

“Captain’s quarters.  _ Parley _ . You. me. Nowish.” Derek forced out, exasperated. 

 

“Lookin’ to see where I keeps me buried treasure?” God, that horrific Maine-pirate accent was going to be the death of him. 

 

“You don’t know the half of it, Dexy.” 

 

“ _ CAPTAIN  _ Dexy.” 

 

“Fine,  _ Captain _ . Let’s go.” Dex, seemingly satisfied by Derek’s response, took him by the hand and led him to the basement. Derek, for his part, started blushing immediately. Dex’s hand was red hot, but his grip was light. Dex locked the door behind them. Derek could feel Lardo’s psychic thumbs up from here. 

 

Once they were inside Dex’s Haus within the Haus and the door to that was locked as well, Dex flopped dramatically onto the bed. He shed his hat and boots, then sprawled out on the mattress. 

 

“Well? Do you think my vessel is seaworthy?” Dex said, stroking the bed. Derek chose to ignore this particular line and released a calming breath to focus on what he wanted to say. 

 

“Dex. I know this is a horrible time and totally selfish, but I wanted to let you know that I like you. Like romantic like you. Like your body is a temple and I’m here with honey and ambrosia. Like I’m Romeo and you’re some gorgeous pirate hunk that is saving me from all the dumb choices I was about to make.” 

 

“You wear jealousy heavy, Nurse. It doesn’t suit you.” Dex responded. 

 

“Wha–” Nursey was dumbfounded. “Did you really know this whole time?” 

 

“I worked it out at some point between the guy upstairs and you falling on my lap.” Dex replied, he sounded significantly more sober than he had upstairs. 

 

“So–-” Derek started, as he took a seat at the foot of the bed.

 

“Yeah, I like you,” Dex cut in, Derek turned to look at Dex’s face. There was a slight redness there, but it was hard to say whether it was from alcohol or embarrassment. “You’re beautiful and eloquent and I’m sorry for trying to make you jealous. I’ve liked you since last year.” 

 

“Straight to the point, huh?” Dex was really blushing now. Derek was sure he was too. 

 

“I feel like we’ve beat around the bush enough.” Derek slid a hand over one of Dex’s. It was pleasantly warm.  “I don’t think we should hook up tonight though.” Dex said frankly. Derek flushed. 

 

“No! I didn’t want it to be a hookup! I just wanted to tell you how i felt.” 

 

“Well, now we both know how we feel about each other, so what are we gonna do about it?” Derek inched closer to Dex on the bed.

 

“Do you wanna go out to Jerry’s for brunch tomorrow?” Derek asked. 

 

“I’d like that,” Dex supplied. Derek exhaled, he hadn’t expected this to go so smoothly. 

 

“So uh, if we go back up there together, Lardo is gonna give me hell asking for deets.” 

 

“You can stay down here. I don’t mind.” The shy glance Dex gave him seemed to indicate how he would feel if Derek left right now. That settled things in his mind. 

 

“I– Uh, ok.” 

 

“So much for eloquence.” Dex shrugged off the pirate jacket and hung it from the corner of his dresser. 

 

“Yeah,” Derek hastily unfastened his cravat and took off all the parts of his costume that would be a pain to sleep in. After they were both down to just their pants, Dex switched off the light. 

 

“I’m  up for cuddling and maybe a kiss, if you’re feeling generous.” Derek barely managed to keep himself from diving onto Dex right then. He wrapped a cursory arm around Dex’s side. Dex pulled him in tight against his chest. They pressed their lips together. Soft and sweet. Both of their mouths sugary from the candy and the tub juice. When they seperated, Derek felt the tingle of alcohol on his breath. 

 

“This is nice.” Dex whispered.

 

“It's pretty chill,” Derek replied, at a loss for words for once in his life. They kissed again more time, then drifted off together. 

 

_X_

 

Derek awoke with a face full of Poindexter. He had fallen asleep using Dex’s pec as a pillow. Life was good. He ran a hand across Dex’s bare chest. It was solid and muscular, but soft in the right places. He savored the tickle of the barely visible hairs under his fingertips. Derek kissed Dex’s jaw, which roused him from slumber. 

 

“Time izzit?” 

 

“No clue,” Derek said. “I’m gonna see if anyone made coffee and then shower so we can do brunch.” 

 

“‘’Kay.”

 

“No rush,  _ Captain _ ,” Derek punctuated with a squeeze on the leather pants. “We can go whenever you’re ready.” Dex grunted and rolled over in lieu of a response.

 

Derek gathered up his clothes and pulled his undershirt on. He closed the basement with a soft click and snuck past Ransom and Holster tangled on the pull-out bed of the new green couch.

 

Derek smelled coffee in the kitchen, but when he rounded the corner, he was greeted by none other than Lardo, perched on the counter beside the coffee pot.

 

“Dost milord have deets to present?” she asked, with the most ridiculous English accent she could muster. 

 

“The admiral and I are setting sail for bruncheon at  _ Chez Jerry _ whence he has awoken, your Lardliness.” he proclaimed, matching her affectation. 

 

“Wonderful. The sin bin is right over there on the fridge.” She nodded and winked over her coffee. 

 

“I’ll get it when we come back from brunch,” Derek huffed. She snapped a lightning quick photo with her phone. 

 

“You owe triple, by the way.” 

 

“How do you figure?” 

 

“One for the couch christening, two for being cutesey with your  _ D-man _ , and three for this.” She turned her phone so he could see it. His expression dropped as he saw what he looked like this morning. Half of his face was covered in Dex’s body glitter, as was half of his hair, which was also matted in a ridiculous way, topped off by the blue-green stain from the tub juice around his mouth. “You could pass for Bowie at this point.”

 

“I have to get in the shower right now,” He said, then bolted for the stairs.

 

Derek shut his door behind him, picked out some clothes, and made sure the door to Chowder’s room from the bathroom was locked. Nobody else could find him like this.

 

Derek’s heart did a little flutter as he thought about his upcoming date with Dex. Then he saw himself in the mirror. His phone pinged with the SMH groupchat notification. 

 

The excitement would have to wait until he got all of this damn glitter scrubbed off. 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Follow me on tumblr @bigspicysenpai if you like. I post about hockey boys, both real and fictional.


End file.
